I want it done. I want it done right now. No confusion or misleading or detours. If I have a goal in mind I will make a sure fire way to make it happen. This is my biggest flaw. I will go over everyone's head, even God's to try and execute my plan.
And I was sure as pie I wanted my family to move to Nashville at the start of this year. It made sense. It felt right. I said a few little prayers to God and made a few calls- and bam- had a realtor and a bank and a couple of houses lined up.
As sure as I was everything was going to work out according to MY GOAL- it burned. It crashed. It fell. And I literally lost my mind in the process of trying to move my family in my own strength. I was so sure this is what God wanted, but I hadn't even hardly asked Him. I broke down.
The answer, at the end of it all- was no.
NO, Ashley. NO.
No because you aren't Jesus and you don't get to decide it. You can't ask for blessings, and then get them and then decide that's not good enough and rearrange and pick of the parts you don't like and make a whole new plan.
We live in a beautlful house that we don't even deserve to live in, we live in it because a sweet old man decided to give us a chance. He said yes and he didn't even have to. Others were waiting in line for it.
Discontentment is ugly and it happens to all of us. It's because the enemy likes to lie to us and show us what we think will be better, prettier, bigger. And what we have will never be enough.
I stopped the home buying process in Nasville in its tracks. I love Nashville. But it's a no. God has asked us to stay put, and in that beautiful little country house- find contentment. Find our story and our way. I trust God and what I can't see more than what I can. How dare I even begin a journey in my own strength. How dare I not seek His face. It's been a huge lesson, conviction and part of testimony.
So I have begun something new. Humbling myself and asking for forgiveness- and listening. Waiting. Enjoying small moment living- right where I am. Enjoying my blessing- exactly what I have. Not looking ahead at what I am going to have. Or what's next. Or another plan I have.
I am going to enjoy what I prayed for. I prayed for what I have right now. A home and a family.